# Where Have All My Deep Male Friendships Gone?  ## About - Author: Sam Graham-Felsen - Title: Where Have All My Deep Male Friendships Gone? - Published: 2025-05-25 - Source: https://www.nytimes.com/2025/05/25/magazine/male-friendships.html - Share: https://notes.peterfmcnair.com/where-have-all-my-deep-male-friendships-gone-by-sam-graham-felsen ## Excerpts This was how close I used to be with my male friends. Not just with Rob, but with nearly a dozen other dudes — dudes I spent thousands of accumulated hours with; dudes I shared my most shame-inducing secrets with; dudes I built incredibly intricate, ever-evolving inside jokes with; dudes I loved and needed, and who loved and needed me — and whom, now, I almost never talk to. I know I’m not the only guy with this problem. The notion that men in this country suck at friendship is so widespread that it has become a truism, a punchline. “Your dad has no friends,” John Mulaney said during an opening monologue on “Saturday Night Live.” “If you think your dad has friends, you’re wrong. Your *mom* has friends, and they have husbands. Those are not your dad’s friends.” ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01jw3c8ytjg8frc8td6a8bg873)) --- I know I’m still capable of connecting deeply with friends, but it would be a stretch to say that I’m close to them the way I once was. I hardly ever talk on the phone with my friends, and rarely spend time with them one-on-one. On the rare occasion that I do, it’s usually in the context of — or rather, under the pretext of — watching a game. Then, with eyes directed at a screen, we discuss *topics:* politics, podcasts, food, fitness routines, the game itself. Maybe we’ll playfully smack-talk a fellow friend, or commiserate about some schleppy aspect of parenthood. Rarely (as in, never) do we turn to each other and ask: “How are you doing?” ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01jw3cd9v75jv9cac8fwcjb6yc)) --- We didn’t have some kind of transcendent conversation, but we had no problem talking honestly. We didn’t empty our souls, the way my wife and her friends might do with one another. That was OK; we related on our own terms. ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01jw3gf2pqs1r5sjqms2av6jwc)) - Note: There's no point comparing how deep your conversations are; being there for one another is the key. --- I felt free and easy the whole night, afloat in the presence of an old friend’s unjudgmental love. I watched the city whir by in ribbons of red and white light, and I knew I was on the precipice of something. I could do this again. I wasn’t cursed to some joyless Sisyphean slog. I didn’t have to crush life. I was allowed to enjoy it — had been all along. It was like some big, impenetrable door had swung open, and on the other side my friends were there, waiting. ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01jw3gjm9x3hsk6850b3vc72a0)) - Note: Give yourself permission to enjoy the company of friends - it's what makes life worth living. ---