# How to Keep House While Drowning  ## About - Author: How to Be a Better Human - Title: How to Keep House While Drowning - Tags: #podcasts - URL: https://share.snipd.com/episode/b7baf1af-5403-4f95-a03b-3b5ffa3b2bba ## Highlights > The Manifestation of Failure as a Partner and Caretaker Transcript: Speaker 1 And I just remember so clearly this moment where I'm looking at the bathtub and it's dirty and I just do not have the energy or the time or the ability to take care of it. And it felt like the physical manifestation of my failure as a partner and a caretaker. Yes, we tend to look at that pile of laundry as there's the evidence of how much I'm failing. And then because of that, we want to avoid like who wants to sit around with their failure pile, right? ([Time 0:07:05](https://share.snipd.com/snip/f6f0aa57-71bb-4a01-8021-de3701fa28ac)) --- > Challenging the idea of morality in daily tasks Transcript: Speaker 1 I think you're totally right. And I think it comes again from this idea that like the ability to take care of these tasks or these issues that that is a moral judgment and that I don't want to put a moral judgment on it when it isn't. I think that's that's kind of a very radical part of your message here. Right. I think reading your book, there were moments where I was completely like, of course, of course, that's morally neutral. It's morally new. If you can't fold your laundry, it doesn't mean you're a good person or a bad person. You're just busy or you're overwhelmed. We're all in this place of who am I? ([Time 0:09:54](https://share.snipd.com/snip/9d863a56-011b-4e3e-8b6e-19f5c75d2c14)) --- > The Importance of Self-Compassion in Motivating Yourself Transcript: Speaker 1 Because we have this idea in our head that people who have legitimate reasons for not being able to do something, deserve compassion and people that don't have legitimate reasons that are just using cop outs. I think that the most important part is recognizing that even if you're in what you think is the category of like, okay, I guess I'm able, but I can't figure out why I'm not. It's still true that the best way to motivate yourself is compassion, is self compassion. ([Time 0:10:35](https://share.snipd.com/snip/c9d2ae22-350c-424d-b406-32e73f3f43e8)) --- > Shifting the Narrative Towards Self-Acceptance and Kindness Transcript: Speaker 1 With myself and if I could just get it together like this person in this book, then I'll be lovable, then I'll be better, then I'll feel at peace with myself. And I think when we shift that narrative to actually as I am today with whatever weaknesses and foils, like I am a person who deserves to eat off of a clean dish tomorrow. And like, what can I do right now that is accessible to me with my current skill level in order to ensure that I'm being kind to my tomorrow self? ([Time 0:11:58](https://share.snipd.com/snip/61e64ac0-09f6-45db-96c9-3884b4a39903)) --- > Liberating ourselves from the idea of being a good or bad person with care tasks Transcript: Speaker 2 When we liberate ourselves from the idea that we are a good person or a bad person with care tasks, we can stop thinking about the right way to do things, about the way that things should be done and instead start thinking about what we can do with our current barriers to improve our quality of life today. And this is the fun part because you get to customize a life that works for you. My new motto is good enough is perfect. ([Time 0:13:02](https://share.snipd.com/snip/5749cf69-15d0-4b8c-8f73-a45aed697c7f)) --- > Liberating ourselves from the idea of being a good or bad person for better quality of life Transcript: Speaker 2 When we liberate ourselves from the idea that we are a good person or a bad person with care tasks, we can stop thinking about the right way to do things, about the way that things should be done and instead start thinking about what we can do with our current barriers to improve our quality of life today. And this is the fun part because you get to customize a life that works for you. My new motto is good enough is perfect. Speaker 1 And everything worth doing is worth doing half-assed. ([Time 0:13:02](https://share.snipd.com/snip/c18f7ea2-2a9f-42d6-ba2f-f85cba2caf37)) --- > Permission to Do It Half-Assed Transcript: Speaker 1 And everything worth doing is worth doing half-assed. Speaker 2 You have to give yourself permission to do a little, to do it with shortcuts, to do it while breaking all of the rules and replace that inner voice that says, I'm failing with one that says, I'm having a hard time right now. And people who are having a hard time deserve compassion. ([Time 0:13:34](https://share.snipd.com/snip/0426aac0-c8df-4cba-b442-c16e73f3f566)) --- > Be Kind to Yourself: Permission to Take Shortcuts and Replace Self-Criticism with Compassion Transcript: Speaker 2 You have to give yourself permission to do a little, to do it with shortcuts, to do it while breaking all of the rules and replace that inner voice that says, I'm failing with one that says, I'm having a hard time right now. And people who are having a hard time deserve compassion. ([Time 0:13:42](https://share.snipd.com/snip/9e2893b7-7bdc-4ea0-a379-af485aae5985)) --- > Improving Quality of Life and the Myth of Laziness Transcript: Speaker 1 I can't, I'm going to move around the, I don't ever fold barrier and recognize that I can still improve my quality of life when it comes to this, this thing. And now it's so much easier. I do that. And I've done that with everything. In the book, you even say that you don't believe that laziness is a thing at all. Yeah, I don't. I've never had a client who believes they're lazy or who other people believe they're lazy that when we got kind of to the bottom of what was going on, that we were like, yeah, turns out you're a piece of shit. Like it was never that. ([Time 0:15:52](https://share.snipd.com/snip/f96f023d-feaf-421b-9d29-ebaec3b68c2e)) --- > The Myth of Laziness and Subjectivity Not wanting to do something that's not enjoyable is not lazy. ([Time 0:16:44](https://share.snipd.com/snip/f71a8fc4-72a8-4372-b5e5-47ba0f207aea)) --- > Entitlement in Domestic Tasks and Exploitation Transcript: Speaker 1 Maybe the mother is shouldering all of the domestic tasks and the father is like walking by the dirty dishes every day. Isn't that laziness? And I like to be very specific that while I don't think laziness exists, I do think entitlement exists. And what entitlement is is I do believe that there is exploitation, right? Like a dad walks by dishes and doesn't do the dishes, not because he's lazy, but because he's comfortable exploiting his wife because he knows I don't have to do it because she will. ([Time 0:17:21](https://share.snipd.com/snip/30f8d229-2ff2-44e2-bdee-20ab027c8503)) --- > Differentiating avoidance from exploitation Transcript: Speaker 1 Like a dad walks by dishes and doesn't do the dishes, not because he's lazy, but because he's comfortable exploiting his wife because he knows I don't have to do it because she will. That's different than walking by the dishes and going, the dishes really need to be done, but I'd rather eat worms. I'm going to put it off or the dishes need to be done, but I'm too overwhelmed to think about it or the dishes need to be done. But all I want to do is get embedded, not be conscious. ([Time 0:17:43](https://share.snipd.com/snip/e03cadbb-6057-455d-87b0-bd38377e19db)) --- > Distributing Tasks in Relationships and Asking for Help Transcript: Speaker 1 Whether you're not in a heterosexual relationship, whether you're single, I think how we distribute tasks and who does them is one of the really tough parts. And I think this is where a lot of the judgment comes in, right? You talk in your book about how it can be really hard to ask for help for a task that you're really struggling with, whether that is paid help or whether that is a friend or a family member. We feel like we're going to be judged by them coming over and seeing that the floor is full of crumbs or something like that. How do you recommend that people think about that? And how do you think about it yourself? ([Time 0:18:14](https://share.snipd.com/snip/91467cf9-4ba8-4161-8a7e-08ace598d841)) --- > The Importance of Rest Transcript: Speaker 1 And rest is not sleep, rest is a nourishing energy giving activity that you do, whether it's sitting in reading, whether it might be, rest is taken a run. It might be that rest is going to coffee with a friend, but the key about rest that kind of has to be there is the sense of time autonomy, which is a period of time where I can do exactly what I want with that time. ([Time 0:19:33](https://share.snipd.com/snip/e916e017-bf38-4227-942f-1176a0cb17eb)) --- > How having children affected the difficulty of care tasks Transcript: Speaker 1 Care tasks got more difficult after I had children and in some ways they got easier. In some ways, there was this self-imposed routine that we kind of fell into because they wake up at a certain time, then they go to school at a certain time, and then they come home at a certain time, and they eat at a certain time, and they go to bed at a certain time. There was something about the structure that children imparted that made some parts of care tasks easier for me and made other parts harder. ([Time 0:22:35](https://share.snipd.com/snip/2263efeb-96d2-4321-8777-c2e61e563417)) --- > Explaining Hoarding Behavior to Loved Ones Transcript: Speaker 1 And so if someone's receptive, sometimes just having that conversation of, I know it looks gross, but like, you know what? Speaker 2 Like the thing is, mom, believe it or not, it was actually grosser before I started this, but explaining sometimes to someone who is trying to help you say, listen, I, I know that you want to see me in a functional space and I want you to hear that that's what I want for myself too. I am taking the steps that make the most sense for me that are the most sustainable for me towards that goal. ([Time 0:33:29](https://share.snipd.com/snip/377a6123-6748-4c46-9566-339a0ea0de99)) --- > Navigating conversations with loved ones about mental health self-care Transcript: Speaker 2 Like the thing is, mom, believe it or not, it was actually grosser before I started this, but explaining sometimes to someone who is trying to help you say, listen, I, I know that you want to see me in a functional space and I want you to hear that that's what I want for myself too. I am taking the steps that make the most sense for me that are the most sustainable for me towards that goal. Speaker 1 You know, what I really need if you want to help is X and give those well-meaning people like something to actually do. ([Time 0:33:34](https://share.snipd.com/snip/7844c85d-c707-4261-8ceb-1515c5ae0be2)) ---